1

A babe with no name

My baby’s life but gone, forgotten,

A life that never will. 
My baby’s death a pain, a strain,
A heart that heaven stilled. 
Alone I feel, in solitude, 
Lost, lonely and unfulfilled. 
Always my mind will hold Him tight, 
My ghostly son, now killed.
—–
My belly’s small and youthful still
Where new life should be Him.
Inside, my heart it aches and weeps,
For a babe borne without whim.
No where was it scribed, or written
That his life should fade and dim.
Of all the earths most precious places, 
Im shamed this one wore thin.
——
A boy for sure, no doubt, my babe,
He’d have grown up big and strong.
My child whose life was craved, adored, 
Will be loved for years come long.
And when my belly’s stroked by me,
With gentle care and song,
I’ll cry no more my boy, my son,
For with me you will belong.
2

Getting there…

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Tuesday, 2 September 2014; One Year, One Hundred and Fifty Five Days Old.

Ayla and I had a number of appointments today that, I think, have turned out to be promising.

We met with a gastroenterological paediatrician who has booked Ayla in for an endoscopy, some kind of colonoscopy and bowel biopsies next Friday. He’s also requested new stool samples to test for a greater range of parasites, and will conduct some further blood tests while Ayla is under anaesthetic.

He doesn’t necessarily feel they will provide us with a cause, but it will certainly rule out any ongoing medical conditions that are causing Ayla’s problems. He is also referring us to an endocrinologist who can investigate Ayla’s growth concerns.

We also met with an Integrated Medicine doctor who’s prescribed a number of supplements to increase Ayla’s appetite, encourage better bowel function and replace essential microflora that’s missing from her gut. This activity will accompany the already prescribed baby biotics, bile salts and enzyme replacements by our dietician, and we’ll be able to get started on them almost straight away.

Thirdly, Ayla underwent some “third generation tens” treatment today to try and increase the function of her nervous system and remove any blockages that could be impacting her bowel. I’d never heard of it before and I’m not 100% convinced in the science but I figured it couldn’t hurt so we did it anyway.

We’ve also been seeing a children’s chirpractor who said Ayla’s pelvis was extremely inflamed, and he’s been treating her L4 vertabrae that incidently pushes on the nerves that go to the bowel. Don’t know if it’s working or will have an impact but it makes sense that we’d do what we can to address this as an easy fix.

So, we still don’t have answers but I feel like we’re finally getting some relevant care and suitable attention. The gastro paed was especially exciting as he was able to categorically rule out a couple of my concerns and he was the first doctor who I actually feel wanted to do something, at least to put our mind at ease.

We still have a decent road ahead but I’m finally starting to feel like we’re on the right path.

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Chow-down machine

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Thursday, 3 April 2014: One Year and Two Days Old.

Ayla must be having a growth spurt or something because she has been putting away food like a champion!

Today Ayla has eaten a bowl of porridge with yogurt, two strawberries, a fish cake, a wedge of beetroot, a sprig of asparagus and some corn off the cob, two grapes, a small slice of pear, two diced up cubes of satay pork, a tablespoon of rice and some chocolate baby custard.

What’s more, in addition to all the food she’s eaten Ayla has still managed to indulge in five breast feeds and a bottle of water!

I can’t help but wonder if Ayla’s recent transformation into a chow-down machine is related to her being unable to eat for the eight days she was sick.

I’m also wondering if Ayla’s apparently insatiable appetite is the reason behind her unsettled sleeps at night, which are slowly but surely starting to drive me crazy.

Maybe Ayla’s making up for lost calories, maybe she’s having a one year old growth spurt or maybe her body is just finally calling for more sustenance than milk can provide, but whatever it is Ayla’s one hungry little pork chop, pumpkin pie, sausage, err…. Kid!

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Where’s your nose?

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Wednesday, 12 April 2014: Three Hundred and Forty Five Days Old.

Ayla learned where her nose is today!

I’ve been trying to teach her for a week or so now but usually she just copies me and points to my nose or pretends she’s pointing at something else.

I think it’s been a little tricky for Ayla to learn because she’s always understood “where is” in terms of things external to her, like The Dog, Cat Cat or Daddy.

But today she finally realised that there’s things different things that make up “Ayla” and she’s learned that her nose is one of them.

It just makes me well with pride when Ayla learns new things like this. I am so proud of her intelligence, her confidence, her ability to adapt, learn and grow.

And what a cute little nose it is! Who wouldn’t want to know where it is?!

I can’t wait to pretend I’ve pulled it offer her face though, in that game where you pretend the tip of your thumb is someone’s nose!

I think Ayla will love it but I’ll give it a couple of weeks before I try it I think… don’t want her to think her nose has gone just days after she found it!

PS – if you think Ayla’s adorable please vote for her in the Bonds Babies Search, Australia’s biggest baby photo comp!

C’mon, who wouldn’t wanna see that face on a billboard! Click here to vote

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Attempt #2… Success!

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Tuesday, 11 March 2014: Three Hundred and Forty Four Days Old.

Ayla and I had our second attempt at day care today and this time it was a success.

Mind you like last week Ayla refused to sleep during the day for some reason, squeezing in just one 30 minute nap around lunch time, but she seemed happy and content enough to be sent off to school!

I was feeling much more relaxed too and I was really looking forward to starting a new chapter of parenthood that will mean mummy can get some time to herself every now and then.

So out came Ayla’s first set of daycare clothes (pictured) and her little baby sneakers. Her bag was packed with a hat, some nappies and cream, a change of clothes, a zippy-straw cup, some expressed milk and a bottle.

Then off we went!

We arrived just as the babies were waking up from their naps so the kids were bright, bubbly and happy; I was actually surprised at how friendly and outgoing some of them where, coming up to meet me and Ayla and promising to look after her for me.

I put Ayla down in the play yard and she sat motionless with wide eyes, staring at all the commotion around her. The other children kept bringing over toys for Ayla to play with, gently patting her head and trying to read to her but after about 15 minutes I think it got all a bit too much and Ayla started to cry.

I picked her up and gave her a cuddle and one of the day care mums brought out a baby couch for her to sit on. After a little while when Ayla seemed more settled and confident, I sat her on the little couch beside me and from then on in she was back to her old self.

After about an hour it was afternoon tea time at the centre and time for me to go to uni. The day care mums took all the kids off to wash their hands and get ready to eat and as I left Ayla was sitting up in a high chair about to get stuck into a piece of pear, a slice of orange and a square of sultana cake – happy as.

As I was leaving I tried explaining what was in Ayla’s bag, but I felt like such a bad parent when I could hardly answer any of the questions the day care mum had about Ayla’s routine!

  • Will she need a nap this afternoon? Umm… probably, she’s hardly slept at all today which isn’t like her.
  • What time does she usually go down for her afternoon nap? Umm… I don’t know, she hasn’t been having arvo naps for the last couple of weeks, but she used to sleep anywhere between 2 and 5pm!
  • Should we give her a bottle if we put her down to nap? Umm… you can certainly try but she’s never taken a bottle.
  • Which bottle should we use, does she have a preference? Umm… no, neither, both? I’m sorry! I’m just not sure, she changes every day!
  • How much food will she eat? Umm… that changes every day too! She was having three solid meals a day but lately she’s dropped back to just snacks and milk.

I was worried they thought Ayla was a spoilt brat but off I went to uni, keeping my fingers and toes crossed that Ayla would be her usual wonderful self and wouldn’t turn into a sleep deprived monster!

When my class finished, and I was pleased to have only thought about Ayla every fifteen minutes, I couldn’t wait to get back to pick her up.

I arrived to find Ayla exactly where I left her, sitting up in a high chair but this time having some pre-dinner snacks. When she saw me Ayla squealed with delight, throwing her plate of food to the floor and kicking her legs in uncontainable excitement.

The day care mum picked her up and brushed off the crumbs then took Ayla off to the sink to wash up. The whole time Ayla couldn’t take her eyes off me, pointing at me with her wide tired eyes.

The ladies at the day care literally gushed about how wonderful Ayla had been, and they had so many wonderful things to say that I don’t think they were just being nice!

Apparently Ayla had been truly wonderful and friendly, ate lots and played really well with the other kids. They said that she had had only one moment of sadness which was easily rectified by a bit of distraction, and one even said she would take care of Ayla any time!

I realised that although my vague recital of Ayla’s routine earlier could have come across as high maintenance, the truth is Ayla is just easy going and placid. Ayla doesn’t need strict rules because she’s happy to go with the flow and adapt, and that’s one of the things that makes her so damn lovable!

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Yum!

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Monday, 10 March 2014: Forty Nine Weeks Old.

Ayla says “yum!”

For the past few days I’ve suspected that’s what she’s been saying (Ayla’s “yum” sounds very similar to her “mum”) but now I’m sure of it.

Ayla’s been saying “yum” whenever she eats something she likes, such as grapes, biscuits, choc chip pancakes, yoghurt and kiwi fruit.

Ayla was munching away on a yoghurt sucker thing this morning when I heard her say “yum”; the word was so distinct that it made me think there was a big kid in the room!

That’s been happening a lot lately. I’ll be busy doing something and then I’ll hear Ayla say something so clearly it shocks me and for a second I find myself thinking “who said that?”

Like a couple of days ago when I was changing Ayla’s nappy and I asked her if she was a good girl. Ayla clearly, distinctly and without question replied “good girl”…. I nearly fell off my branch.

Ayla has also said “hello” a few times, and she’s started saying what I think is “wow” sometimes.

As for “Cat Cat” and “dog” I’m pretty certain Ayla’s saying those words too. Well, “Cat Cat” sounds more like a high-pitched bird squeal (“Kae-Kae”) but she definitely applies it at the right moments so I’ll give it to her 😉

PS – if you haven’t already, please vote Ayla as the cutest baby in Australia and help her win a People’s Choice Award in the Bonds Australia Baby Photo Comp…. Thanks in advance! Click here to vote