Tag Archives: self doubt

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Rough night

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Thursday, 21 November 2013: Two Hundred and Thirty Four Days Old.

Ayla had a rough night last night which saw her and I confined to the couch for most of the night.

I think it’s teething… it has to be! I can’t think of any other reason for Ayla to suddenly wake up screaming at 1.30am and refuse to resettle for nearly two hours.

Ayla was definitely looking for mummy cuddles – as soon as I put her down she would start crying – but it wasn’t until her Baby Panadol kicked in that she started to relax her little body and drift off to sleep.

But it was more like fitful napping than sleeping. Every 15 minutes or so Ayla would let out a heart-wrenching whimper that left me feeling so helpless, trying desperately to pat her little bottom and shush her back to sleep.

The other thing I struggled with was ignoring the voices in my head telling me things like “you’re spoiling her“, “once you let her sleep with you; you’ll never get her to stop“, “stay strong, she’s just testing the boundaries” and “just let her cry herself back to sleep“.

It’s crazy how self doubt is so quick to raise its ugly head! Despite KNOWING that something was wrong because Ayla had never done anything like this before, I still questioned myself.

Ayla’s wasn’t her usual happy self this morning either – she’s clingy and upset and so, so tired – but there’s still no tooth in sight!

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Advice

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Tuesday, 29 October 2013: Two Hundred and Eleven Days Old.

Nearly seven months ago, when Ayla was born, my life changed forever.

At first, I had no idea what was going on; I was riddled with insecurities and self-induced pressure, and every day brought new challenges that had me wondering what on earth I’d got myself into.

Now however, I understand that these unsure decisions and self doubt is all part of being a mum, and I know I probably won’t escape the voice inside my head that says “are you sure about that?” or “if only…”.

I find it comforting to feel confident in my own vulnerability and today, for the first time, I found myself in a position to give some advice to a new mum with a four month old daughter.

While I’m far from being any kind of expert, I thought I’d share this advice here too because I’m sure I will need to refer back to it many times in the future.

Firstly, don’t feel bad! Your story is exactly like mine and I’m sure we can’t be the only ones.

“Back in the day” there were no baby rules; mums did what felt right and what worked for them.

But today, new mums like us seem to be given an unpublished “book” that dictates all the things we should and shouldn’t be doing with our little ones. But honestly, I’m sure that even if we DID follow the rules set out in this book to a ‘T’ we’d still make mistakes, and that’s ok.

Why? Because every baby, every mum, every family is different, and rules are really more like guidelines anyway – aren’t they?

Before we know it, our babies will be big. They’ll be running around and bossing us about and they won’t need us much at all.

So don’t feel bad for cuddling them to sleep, soothing them with the breast or planning your day around their naps if thats what feels right. One day soon they will grow out of it. Yes, you might look back and think “it could’ve been easier if I did it differently” but why not worry about that if it happens?“

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Perfect body

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Wednesday, 4 September 2013: One Hundred and Fifty Seven Days Old.

I’m in awe of Ayla’s tiny perfect body.

Funnily enough though it’s the things I love most about Ayla’s body that I dislike the most about mine.

Her skin is pale and beautiful, her thighs are chubby and dimply, and her belly is so round and soft.

It’s a terrible thing, but self doubt and poor body image is something every girl will face in life, its just hard to believe that Ayla too will doubt the skin she’s in.

I dread the day when my gorgeous baby girl comes home in tears because somebody called her “fat” or “twiggy” or “whitey” or any other accusation of imperfection they felt was worthy of ridicule.

Children can be cruel, but the judgement of ourselves and others doesn’t stop at school.

How on earth I can teach Ayla to love, accept and respect herself, and do unto others the same?