Did I tell her

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Tuesday, 8 April 2014: One Year and One Week Old.

Oh. My. Goodness… This morning was awful!

Ayla is still crook and after her late night last night she seemed a little worse for wear when she woke up.

But with no temperature Ayla was in generally good spirits and happy to eat some breakfast so it was off to “school” for both us of.

When we got to day care though, Ayla clung to me like a terrified koala.

After two attempts of trying to get her to let go, the day care mum had to prise Ayla’s little arms from around my body.

As soon I was out of Ayla’s grasp she started reaching out for me, and when I didn’t pick her up Ayla’s eyes started to well with tears.

The day care mum gave Ayla a cuddle as I tried to nonchalantly make my exit, but every step I took seemed to cause Ayla physical pain and I could see her little heart breaking as she screamed for my return.

When I reached the foyer I peered back down the corridor, through three glass-panelled doorways, and saw my Baby Ayla’s face staring back at me over the day care mums shoulder, tears streaming down her cheeks.

It was then that the panic set in! I couldn’t remember if I’d told Ayla that I loved her when I left; what if something happens and ‘I love you’ aren’t the last words I said to her! What if she thinks I’ve left her there because I don’t love her! Should I go back?! Or just pretend it doesn’t matter… When it does!

Thankfully I was able to quell the anxiety and pull myself together, only releasing one solitary tear in the process.

After a deep breath and a few quick words of positive self talk I set my course for the office and tried to stay calm.

My second day at work was as good as the first and although I’m already starting to see work pile up on my desk, I can feel my brain fill with ideas and opportunities for the future.

I’m also getting used to expressing breast milk in the tiny store room out the back, and I think I found a way to discreetly store little bags of milk in the communal fridge.

Being a Tuesday I had uni after work so it was nearly ten hours before I got to see Ayla again.

The day care mums said Ayla had been unsettled and irritable all day but fortunately her temperature hadn’t returned and she’d eaten her first meal in days.

Although, by the time we got home Ayla had a fever of 38.9 which meant yet another dose of Panadol and plenty of cuddles.

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