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Questions and answers

Monday, 11 August 2014; xx Weeks Old

When I picked Ayla up from day care this afternoon, the Day Care Mum was in tears.

She was crying because she’d just seen Ayla in pain, crying, struggling to do something all other kids take for granted.

She’d just witnessed the reason for the ongoing food diary, the gluten free dairy free diet, the appointments, the tests, the band-aids on her elbows, and she was horrified.

As awful as I felt for her, I was glad that the day care centre finally got to witness what Hubby and I have been experiencing on the weeknights and weekends; our beautiful baby girl in crying pain.

After a bit of investigation I found out that what had caused the Day Care Mum to cry was simply a tiny, tiny part of Ayla at her worst.

What the Day Care Mum saw today did not include Ayla’s cheeks being stained from hours of tears. She didn’t see the vomiting, the eyes rolling back in Ayla’s head or the moments of unconsciousness, all brought on by pain.

But still, the Day Care Mum was crying because what she had seen was enough and she couldn’t stand it. She stared at me in awe and asked me how I do it and I simply couldn’t answer.

It made me look at Ayla’s situation a little differently because I didn’t realise that my strength might be diluting the severity of Ayla’s illness…. Because I am strong and logical, systematic and controlled, maybe I haven’t allowed myself to panic, which in turn drives outcry and action.

So of course, the guilt crept back in and the worry amplified and I found myself back at square one; questioning the doctors and their dismissive solutions for Ayla’s symptoms, but not the cause, and querying the dieticians and their long drawn-out processes of elimination.

I need answers. And I need them now.

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Downhill

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Saturday, 9 August 2014: One Year, One Hundred and Thirty One Days Old.

Ayla started going downhill today… For fun!

What th’?! I hear you say, but don’t worry, I mean that Ayla learned to run downhill this after while our little family were out in the yard pottering around.

I has completely forgotten how fun it was to run downhill as a kid until I saw Ayla do it by accident, pause, laugh, and go straight back to the top to try it again… This time whilst saying “yay” and holding her arms in the air.

Mind you, I shouldn’t really call it a hill, it’s more like a mound of dirt with grass on it, tucked away in a back corner of the yard.

But to Ayla it probably felt like Everest as her little legs got faster with each step closer to the bottom they took her and her little belly poked out front as if gravity was calling her.

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Improv

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Friday, 9 August 2014; One Year, One Hundred and Thirty Days Old.

Hubby improvised a bath for Ayla this evening and it worked a treat!

This house has no bath ( yet, just wait ’til the renos are finished!) so since outgrowing her baby bath Ayla has had to have showers.

Occasionally I’ve blocked the shower drain with a face washer or my foot to try and give Ayla some water to splash in, but this evening Hubby used a nonslip bath mat and voila! Instant bath.

Ayla sat in the “bath” for ages. I put bubbles in and gave her some extra toys and Ayla played and splashed for well over half an hour.

Ayla also learned that bath bubbles make noise, so she started rubbing them into her ears and then giggling at the sound of the popping and crackling.

It was cute, fun and a definite redo; Ayla loved it and mummy and daddy get some time to sit and chat and watch our beautiful little munchkin learn and play.

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Blinky

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Wednesday, 6 August 2014: One Year, One Hundred and Twenty Eight Days Old.

Ayla learned how to blink today!!

It was funny because I could actually see her having to use her brain to make her eyelids move.

It was also cute to watch how slowly Ayla blinks, as if she’s trying to watch what happens while it’s happening.

Ayla’s little face looks strained while she blinks, but happy because it’s an awesome new trick.

Hubby and I tried to teach her about eyebrows later but I think we’ll just leave it to one thing at a time :)

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Pincushion

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Tuesday, 5 August 2014: One Year, One Hundred and Twenty Seven Days Old.

Ayla became a human pincushion today when we took her to get blood tests… Twice.

Ayla had tests done about 10 days ago but she didn’t seem to recognise the situation when Hubby and I took her in this morning.

Ayla was all smiles and oblivion as the needle went in, but her little face quickly twisted in pain and devastation while she sat on Daddy’s lap surrounded by nurses.

The attempt was unsuccessful and we were told to come back later to try again, after making sure Ayla had had plenty of food to eat and water to drink.

So the afternoon rolled around and I was anxious about having to put my baby girl through that again.

We arrived and Ayla remembered her earlier experience, reaching out to me and crying whenever a nurse came to talk to her.

The nurses tried again, unsuccessfully, to find the vein, jabbing my darling girl in her other arm this time, the one that was still bruised from a week and a half ago.

Hubby and I called it quits, deciding it wasn’t worth a third attempt, at least for a while. We felt so guilty and sad for Baby Ayla that we did what all guilty parents do; we spoiled her.

Ayla loves the little lounges at her day care centre, always showing me how she can sit or lie on one all by herself. So in our guilt Hubby and I bought her one, and it’s brightened up our day for all of us.

Ayla LOVES it. She squealed when she walked in the door tonight and saw it, assumably forgetting that she had it.

She spent the next half an hour climbing, lying and sitting all over it, getting toys and sitting them beside her, and throwing other toys down on it to watch them bounce.

I know Ayla probably doesn’t realise that the pretty pink couch is in recognition of her bravery, resilience and forgiveness, but Hubby and I do.

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“Ya ya ya”

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Sunday, 3 August 2014: One Year, One Hundred and Twenty Five Days Old.

Ayla’s learned to cover her ears and shout!

It’s hilarious. Ayla will suddenly slam both hands against each side of her head, cover her ears and yell “ya ya ya” before cracking up into a giggle.

I have no idea where she learned it, maybe from wearing ear muffs while we using power tools on our renovations, but this morning Ayla did it out of the blue.

Ayla’s had a bit of an ear thing going for a while now.

A few months ago I noticed her pinching the tops of her ears with her fingers so I went in to give them a rub for her.

Just like The Dog does, Ayla’s head melted into my hand, her eyes rolled back in her head and she let out a soft groan.

Ever since then I’ve notice Ayla pinch at her ears when she’s tired, upset or a bit out of sorts, and if she’s in need of a little settling I’ll rub her ears for her.

But the comfort Ayla gets from that was nothing like the laughs she got from hearing her voice change when she covered her ears the morning, then again tonight at tea.